


How Dick Dastardly Stole Christmas!

by AlanPalgut



Category: How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Cartoon 1966), How the Grinch Stole Christmas! - Dr. Seuss, Wacky Races
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:34:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28014759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlanPalgut/pseuds/AlanPalgut
Summary: 'Tis the season to write another Xmas story! Originally I wanted a Christmas Carol, but I already did that one.How Dick Dastardly Stole Christmas!
Kudos: 1





	How Dick Dastardly Stole Christmas!

EVERY character in Boomerville liked Christmas a lot;

But Dick Dastardly, who lived outside Boomerville, did not!

Dastardly hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season!

Now please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps, that his boots were too tight

Or maybe his gloves didn't fit him quite right.

But I think that the most likely reason of all

Might have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, I'll make one thing clear;

He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating this cheer,

Peering out through his lair with his dastardly frown

At the people so merry around the whole town.

Even Muttley, his dog, hated every bell's jingle,

Despising the very sound of old Kris Kringle.

"And they're hanging their stockings," scowled Dastardly's sneer.

"Tomorrow is Christmas. It's practically here!"

And he growled with his gloved fingers nervously drumming,

"I must find some way to keep Christmas from coming!

For tomorrow I know all of those girls and boys

Will wake bright and early! They'll rush for their toys

And then… oh, the noise! Oh, the noise, noise, noise, noise!

That's one thing we hate! All the noise, noise, noise, noise!

Then, wherever they are, they'll sit down to a feast!

And they'll feast, and they'll feast, and they'll feast, feast, feast, feast!

They'll eat brontosaurus or maybe roast-beast,

And that is a feast we can't stand in the least!

And THEN they'll do something I hate most of all!

Every person in Boomerville, the tall and the small,

Will stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.

They'll stand hand-in-hand, and they all will start singing!

And they'll sing! And they'll sing! AND they'll SING! SING! SING! SING!"

And as Dastardly thought of what Christmas would bring,

He thought more and more, "I must stop this whole thing!

Why, for forty-six years, I've put up with it now!

I must stop Christmas from coming… but HOW?"

Then he got an idea!

An awful idea!

Dick Dastardly got a WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" he then laughed in his throat,

And he made a quick Santa Claus hat and a coat.

And he chuckled and clucked, "What a dastardly trick!

With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"

♪You're a mean one, Dick Dastardly

You really are a heel

You're as cuddly as a cactus

You're as charming as an eel, Dick Dastardly!

You're a bad banana with a… greasy black peel!

You're a monster, Dick Dastardly

Your heart's an empty hole

Your brain is full of spiders

You've got garlic in your soul, Dick Dastardly!

I wouldn't touch you with a… thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole!♪

"All I need is a reindeer." So he looked around,

But since reindeer are scarce, there were none to be found;

But that didn't stop him, so Dastardly said,

"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"

So he settled on Muttley, and took some black thread,

And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.

Then he loaded some bags for his dastardly deed

On his sled, to which Muttley would serve as his steed.

Then he shouted "Giddy-up!" and the sled started down

To the Boomerville outskirts that opened the town.

It was well after dusk. All the windows were dark.

No one heard him in Bedrock™ or Jellystone Park™

As he reached Orbit City, one place on his list.

"This is stop number one!" the old Dastardly hissed

As he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney – an act not for good,

But if Santa can do it, Dick Dastardly could.

He got stuck only once for a second or two;

Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue

Where a quintet of stockings hung all in a row.

"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk with a smile most unpleasant

Around the whole room, and he took every present!

Rockets, cassettes, record players and drums!

Checkerboards, candy canes, popcorn and plums!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then Dick Dastardly nimbly

Stuffed all the bags one by one up the chimbly.

Then he snuck to the ice box. He took the nice feast.

He took the large pudding. He took the roast beast!

He cleaned out the ice box as quick as a flash.

Why, that Dastardly took the last can of Space-Hash!

Then stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.

"And finally," he grinned, "I will stuff up the tree!"

So Dick Dastardly went with the tree and its joy

When he heard a voice that came from a young boy.

He turned around quickly and lo and behold,

He saw young Elroy Jetson, just seven years old.

He came to the kitchen to make some hot tea

And asked "Why, Santa Claus, are you taking our tree?"

But that Dick Dastardly was so smart and so slick,

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my dear little boy," The false Santa Claus lied,

"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side;

So I'm taking it back to my workshop, you see.

I'll fix it up there and I'll bring back the tree."

And his lie tricked young Elroy. With a pat on his head,

He made Elroy some tea, and he sent him to bed.

And when Elroy was safely in bed with his tea,

He snuck to the chimney and stuffed up the tree!

And the last thing he took was the log for their fire.

Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.

On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.

And the one speck of food that he left in the house

Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then he did the same thing in the town's other hice,

Leaving crumbs much too small for the town's other mice.

It was a quarter to dawn, everyone still in bed,

Everyone, still asleep, when he packed up his sled.

Packed it up with their presents, their ribbons, their wrappings,

Their wreathes and their tinsel, their stockings and trappings!

Ten thousand feet up, he went up Mt. Barbera

To dump the whole load and then witness the terror!

"No more Boomerville joy!" was Dick Dastardly humming.

"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming.

They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!

Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,

Then they all will look sadly and they'll cry 'Boo hoo!'

That's the noise, my dear Muttley, that we both must hear!"

He paused, and then he put his hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.

It started out low… then it started to grow.

But this sound was not what he expected to hear.

In fact, he heard music with plenty of cheer!

Every person in Boomerville, the tall and the small,

Was singing – without any presents at all!

He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And Dick Dastardly, standing ice-cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling, "How could it be so?

It came without ribbons! It came without tags!

It came without packages, boxes or bags!"

And he puzzled so long that his puzzler was sore.

Then he thought about something he hadn't before.

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.

Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more."

What happened then? Well, in Boomerville they say

That Dick Dastardly's heart grew two sizes that day!

And now that his heart didn't feel quite so tight,

He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light!

He rode into Boomerville! He brought back their toys!

He brought back the presents for the girls and boys!

He brought everything back, all the food for the feast…

And he, yes, Dick Dastardly carved the roast-beast!


End file.
